How TV made me cry

I was flipping through the TV channels today when this woman came on all prepped for surgery. Those who know me already know that I am fascinated by operations, autopsies, and the general functions of the body. For those that don't know me, I begged them to let me watch my own C-section. I'm not into gore, I have a very curious nature.

So, there's a woman all prepped and I stopped to watch. (Didn't even see the incision). However, all of a sudden there is a baby, and a mostly unconscious mom, and a brand new daddy. Now this daddy, very different from my daughter's father, was taking pictures of the baby, even all covered in goo. He was kissing his wife's forehead, telling her what he was seeing, he was asking if she was okay, he thanked her. He kissed her forehead, and thanked her for their brand new child. He had a look of pride when he was looking at his daughter... his face said "That's MY baby. I made that". The cameras picked back up when they were in recovery, dad had gone to buy flowers for his wife. He was in a chair right by her bed touching his wife's arm and his daughter at the same time. They were all linked, tears in his eyes... so thankful everyone was okay.

I sobbed. I'm tearing now because I feel robbed. My daughter was born 361 days after I was married. They started inducing me 12 days after my EDD (estimated due date) on Wednesday September 12 at 6 am. I finally had my daughter Saturday September 15th at 4:19 am. My husband was there the whole time. Walked with me in the hospital all Wednesday. Walked through the town all Thursday. And sat in the room all day Friday. Only he wasn't walking beside me. He was behind me pushing me. Telling me how a real woman wouldn't have to be induced. Friday the whole family showed up. My water broke after 13 hours of Petocin in an IV and after they tried to break my water. Labor hit fast and hard. My mom, my aunt, my brother, my husband, his mom, his two sisters, his father, our pastor and his wife, several nurses, my doctor, a few interns, an anesthesiologist, and two women who made a wrong turn were all there. (The two women just stayed and chatted for a bit, they didn't really bother me) My husband had taken the birthing classes with me, but refused to help me remember to breathe. My mom was telling him he needed to help me and he just shook his head and sat on the other side of the room. She hadn't had a child in 14 years but she did her best, and we were turning purple from all the panting... :) I love my mom. My aunt took over and we managed until the anesthesiologist showed up. I had planned on trying to have a natural birth but things were not going my way. As I was pushing my husband said "Glad to see you finally getting some exercise." I hadn't gained too much weight, I've never been skinny, but was healthy. That moment made me stop. I stopped trying to push. I just laid there and waited. Finally my doctor came in and said if I didn't start pushing he was taking her. I looked at my husband and shrugged at the doctor. I remember saying "Do what you have to do." There were funny moments, at one point someone said the word "placenta" and my brother who was 14 at the time said, "Isn't that that flower you get at Christmas?", it was so funny that 9 years later we all still laugh about it. There were moments of compassion, my MIL rubbed my feet a little bit to try and help me relax. Mostly though, I remember the heartbreak. They finally wheeled me into the O.R. and my husband was there near my head, but my anesthesiologist was the one talking to me, he was holding my hand, he was the one telling me I was doing a good job, that it was almost over. I remember when she was born and she started to cry my first thought was, "Who brought a baby in here? Don't they see I'm having surgery?" The drugs were strong. My husband completely disconnected from me at that point. I was in pain from the C-section for several weeks and if I said anything about it he'd say, "A real woman wouldn't have had a C-section." If I asked for help with the baby is got, "You wanted it." And I relive all that anytime someone I know is pregnant, or even someone I don't know. I read a blog today from Monday January 17. I'll post the link at the bottom. This woman calls her husband Mr. Amazing. In one of her other posts I read that she found as she has been calling him that she believes it more and more. I have another name for my ex husband.... (slightly evil grin) I'm kidding. She posts about how great of a father he is, how great of a husband he is. I was just thinking, "Thank you God. I'm so thankful you have made men that have integrity." That's how TV made me cry... That's my story of labor and delivery. I'm sure my friend Jeremy wanted to know all that. (Sorry Jeremy) ;) I was under the impression during my pregnancy that our child would bring us closer. And after my pregnancy I saw us falling further and further apart. Jealousy, anger, fear, pain...they made up marriage. They were also, what ruined it. I love how God is faithful. That He has made men of integrity, of faith, of Godliness, men in His own image, because if that is what I have to look forward to, for my daughter's future, I'd be afraid. And even now, almost done with this very personal insight, as I'm feeling heartbroken, the Lord is faithful, He is holding me up, wiping my tears, telling me that He will never leave or forsake me. That I am a "real" woman. That I am strong and brave and His. That I am HIS daughter. And I am not sad anymore. I've shared because I am right now watching a friend (non believer) go through this SAME thing. Her "partner" stands in the back watching her struggle through her pregnancy, and I am thinking how alone she must feel, because at least I had my Father to lean on.

Mr. Amazing post link: http://servantwifemother.blogspot.com/2011/01/mr-monday_17.html

Be thankful for your spouse. They will never be perfect, but they could be like mine was... LOL I'm kidding. He had his good points, but they disappeared very quickly. If I ever marry again I think I will use this technique and refer to my husband as something wonderful, because it's easier to believe it if you say it. Thank you Heather!


*The Jesus Loving Princess*

*Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. Luke 6:22 *